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  • Writer's picturecharlie kesem

Bi the Way

Updated: Jun 28, 2020

The post caught my attention and sparked something within me, like a rabbit whose ears prick up at the sound of something worth paying attention to! Hm, bi visibility, I wondered, what is that exactly? I knew Jude to be identified as a bi-sexual woman, so I assumed bi was short for bi-sexual (I’m not totally ‘au fait’ with all the abbreviated gender/sexual-orientation lingo. This year I learnt that pansexual is a thing – where one is identified as being attracted to people, as opposed to genders). The visibility part, however, was what drew me – does it mean being seen or ‘out’, I questioned? Yes, she wrote. I’ll write to you in private, I responded.

It’s an interesting topic for me this bi visibility, I began – because I feel I am actually not visible about it, except maybe to some friends or in passing comments or flirtations. Additionally, because I question for myself: what is bi-sexual? I’m definitely attracted to some women and I have had a few sexual encounters with women but never a relationship. Does this make me bi? It is also crystal clear to me that I like men, I like penetration and I like penises! And so, my mind wonders, is my attraction to women simply some innate psychological breast-hunger or something like that? No, don’t be so serious and complicated about it, says another part of my mind – so you like women as well… cool, why not!


I guess Jude’s post made me question: how or can I be more comfortable with my bi-visibility? What is it about it that makes me feel uncomfortable? Part of the choice insofar in being non-visible, is evidently due to underlying fear. For one, fear about the depths that could be opened if I really dived in to explore what’s there. Also present in this party, something about being exposed, being seen, being judged even. And the classic, what will my parents think? (Note: I’ve since told them and they were both lovely about it 🙂 ). Not forgetting, what if all of my female friends will think that I fancy them? (I don’t). Perhaps a common shared fear amongst bi and LG (lesbian / gay) women.

And so the curiosity continues… I’ve always kind of wondered how to ‘start with’ (translation: hit on) women, because how do I know if they are lesbian or bi? It’s not like everyone goes around wearing a t-shirt with their sexual orientation marked out clearly in pretty pink/purple/blue letters (the colours of the bi-sexual flag, see next paragraph). It’s not always pink and white, which is the very point of this article. On apps like OK Cupid, women seeking both men and women, or even just women seeking women seem to be sparse, and drunken lesbian bar/club nights are simply not my cup of chai.

Since writing this, Jude told me that such a thing called bi-sexual day exists (23rd September) and, like the LGBT wider community, there is even a bi-sexual flag! It’s pretty colours too! She said she dyes her hair these colours, waves the flag on gay pride day, and writes about it on September 23rd, as a way to be seen. She made the point that yes, it is hard to identify bi-sexual people, because usually we either see them with a man OR a woman.

To be honest I don’t really have a grand conclusion for this piece, it’s more of a subject open to dialogue, a continuing conversation and exploration – with myself and with anyone who cares to join the exchange (with sensitivity, please).

This whole theme of ‘visibility’ has raised for me the wish to be seen as bi-sexual and be more open to what that may bring, but, even more than that, the wish to allow myself to feel comfortable with being seen – in all my colours – with pride. A good affirmation for life in general, I’d say!


Thanks to Jude for prompting me to write about this topic, and ‘out’ myself. Just to see what happens. Just to see how it feels. Just because.

Shedding light on hidden topics from the shadows, yep.

Dropping the fear and releasing repression, yep.

Feels good. Feels scary!

Feels good 💗💜💙

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